What Women Tell Us
By recognising the red flags and warning signs of unhealthy behaviours, you can take steps to protect yourself and stay safe.
1. Do you ever feel anxious or afraid around your partner?
I feel anxious and afraid around my partner and child at times. Admitting that isn’t easy, but it’s the truth. There are moments when I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, carefully choosing every word and action to avoid triggering an outburst. Their moods can be unpredictable - what starts as a simple comment or innocent question can suddenly turn into anger or cold withdrawal.
I often catch myself second-guessing everything I say or do, trying to stay one step ahead to prevent conflict or criticism. Even their body language - the way they stand, or the look on their face - can make me feel on edge. It’s like I’m constantly scanning for signs of what kind of mood they are in, so I can adjust myself to avoid setting him off.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m overreacting or being too sensitive, especially because I am told I’m imagining things and that everything is fine. But deep down, I know it’s not. Living in a constant state of anxiety is not normal. What’s most distressing is that I often worry about upsetting them without even knowing what I’ve done wrong.
2. Does your partner criticise you or put you down?
Yes my partner puts me down constantly, he would always comment on my appearance and how I dress. He would also make remarks about my work and how I was as a mother. I feel this was to stop me from working and isolate me.
I was constantly called vulgar and cruel names. He knew these were words that triggered me, made me feel stupid and worthless.
My ex-partner regularly insulted my appearance, calling me “fat’” and “ugly”. He belittled me for wearing makeup, telling me it “wouldn’t make any difference to the state of me.” These comments were part of a sustained pattern of degradation, and they deeply affected my confidence.
After the birth of our baby, the criticism shifted to my parenting. I was accused of overreacting whenever the child became unwell, and he mocked me for bathing the baby “too much” and buying “too many clothes.” This constant judgement left me feeling anxious and unsure of my abilities as a mother.
One incident that particularly impacted me occurred when I planned a night out after the birth. My partner drew lines across my legs with a pen to show how “short” my dress was, telling me it was inappropriate. Feeling humiliated and intimidated, I cancelled my plans and stayed home. This reinforced his control and further isolated me.
I was emotionally exhausted and struggling, but completing Journey to Freedom has helped me to validate my experiences, rebuild my confidence and recognise the abuse.
With ongoing support, I am beginning to trust my instincts again and parent without fear of criticism.
3. Do you feel you are always the one to blame in your relationship?
When I first approached Women’s Aid, I was worried that I was just wasting their time. I was pretty sure it was not domestic abuse I was experiencing because most of the time I thought the arguments and fights were my fault.
After speaking to the Women’s Aid Domestic Abuse Specialist, I was reassured I was not to blame, and throughout our discussion it started to become clear how my partner was throwing the blame on me.
I agreed to attend Women’s Aid ABCLN’s ‘Journey To Freedom’ course and it was literally a light bulb moment when I realised the cycle of abuse I have been living in for years - thinking the whole time I was the one at fault.
4. Does your partner check your phone, social media or messages?
Yes, he does check my phone a lot - texts, calls, and even my social media. At first, I didn’t think much of it. He would ask who I was texting or jokingly grab my phone and scroll through stuff. But now it has got to the point where it doesn’t feel like a joke anymore. He asks for my passwords, wants to know exactly who I’m talking to and why, and gets upset if I don’t reply fast enough.
Sometimes he goes through my phone without asking, and if I delete anything, even something small, he accuses me of hiding things. On social media, he watches everything I post or comment on. He’s made me unfollow people, delete posts, or explain why I liked someone’s photo. It feels like I can’t do anything without worrying about how he’ll react. He tells me that if I have nothing to hide, then I shouldn’t mind him checking my phone or him knowing my passwords for things.
I’ve started to change how I act online and, on my phone, just to avoid arguments. I don’t post much anymore, and I am always nervous when I get a message or notification around him. It’s like I don’t have any privacy, and I’m constantly trying to prove I’m not doing anything wrong—even when I know I’m not.
I really thought it was normal my partner would lift my phone and check who I was talking to and what I was looking at on social media. But as time went on, he became more and more obsessed. He made me delete all males off my socials including my brother’s best friend who I had grown up with.
I spoke to my brother’s girlfriend and she told me that my brother did not check her phone and she had loads of male friends on her socials, including my partner. She suggested I should speak to Women’s Aid. I am so glad I did.
Now my ex-partner is out of my life, I am starting to realise how much control he had and how I am now free to live my life.
5. Does your partner constantly want to know where you are/what you are doing?
Yes, he would ensure that I had location services on my phone at all times to see where I was and if I refused this he would call me horrible names and accuse me of cheating with other men. It was easier to keep the settings on rather than take the verbal abuse and accusations.
My partner had to know where I was at all times. When I left the house he always had to be with me, even when I went to the bathroom. I always had to have my location on so if I left the house when he was sleeping or playing computer games he would know where I was. He would follow me and try not make it obvious that he was behind me.
This also happened when I tried to take the baby out with me and he would shout and scream. He asked “who are you with? what you doing? where are you? what are their names? Are they men or women?” It got to the point where I suffered from anxiety attacks going places because of the constant fear that he would find me.
6. Does your partner make it difficult for you to see friends and family?
It wasn’t until I did Women’s Aid Journey To Freedom course that I realised isolation is a tactic. I can see it clearly now, but not at the time he moved me away from my family and friends. His family was always a priority, particularly his parents - they were controlling too. I felt like I did not matter, he even isolated me from my own child. I was not allowed to go on certain days out.
It was all about him. It’s the loneliest place in the world and you feel such shame but can’t talk to anyone. He seems like the only person in the world you have because he has isolated you from everyone. Sometimes he feels like a drug, you can’t get away but you feel you can’t live without him either.
I used to be afraid to mention my friends or family for fear of aggressive reactions. He hated me seeing them. I isolated myself to keep the peace with him. My mental health suffered and I became more isolated and depressed. I lost my support network.
I am out the other side now and trying to rebuild my life. It is difficult trusting others but I have joined groups and made connections with people who I hope will become friends. I can now see my family on my terms whenever I want to.
7. Has your partner ever prevented you from working? Or going to school or college?
Yes, he would always tell me I should be at home with the children and working made me a lazy mother. He said that If I needed to work it should be for his business. This resulted in me leaving my job that I loved, and helping him do the accounts for his business. However, he would control what I was paid and made it feel like he was giving me pocket money. When we separated, I was left with very little as he was in control of all finances.
My partner was constantly asking me to call in sick. Didn’t like the type of work I did, he wanted me home more and working less hours. I refused to ever call in sick and was told I didn’t want to spend time with him and that I was up to something. All bills and credit cards were in my name so I am the one left with over £25,000 worth of debt.
8. Does your partner control your income or finances?
At the time, my husband was the main breadwinner, and it just seemed normal that he gave me a small allowance each month to cover the food and household expenses. He explained that it was better for me to stay at home with the children, and I never questioned it. I just assumed this was how things worked when you had someone else bringing in the money.
But over time, I began to feel frustrated. The allowance he gave me was barely enough to cover everything, and I’d find myself struggling to make ends meet. There was always a sense of tension when I went out to buy groceries because he would check my receipts afterward to make sure I had only bought the items he had approved. If I’d bought anything extra, it would be noticed, and I’d feel uneasy about it.
He also seemed to keep track of where I was going. He’d check the mileage on the car to make sure I’d only used it for the food shopping, and if I had driven anywhere else, he’d ask me about it. I didn’t realise how odd this was at the time. I thought it was just part of how things were, he was the one bringing in the money, so it felt like I had to follow his rules. I never really questioned it until later, when I began to feel like I couldn’t do anything without his approval.
From the beginning of the marriage he was focused on money. He would work so much overtime to get money. He was obsessed with checking how much heating oil and electric was being used on a daily basis. I had two small children and set the heating to come on in the morning – he turned it off when he left for work.
Everything that I bought had to go via him yet thousands were spent on cars, motorbikes, DIY tools etc. Holidays were not important to him as these cost money. He controlled the money; he minimised the money I earnt and constantly said “what would you do without me?” I believed him.
When I left, I had major fears with handling money, I justified every single penny to myself it was what I was used to doing. Every time I passed the central heating I had to resist turning it off. I am now free and this is such a huge relief.
9. Do you worry about your partner’s reaction to things? Even small things?
It was silent treatment for me. If I'd done something that he didn’t want me to, then I was ignored for some time. When he finally did break the silence, it was an argument from him. I kept leaving the room to stop the row but he would follow me and continue it for hours. It was exhausting.
It was easier to do what he said and keep him happy. If I didn’t life was difficult for me and the children. He created a terrible home environment by giving us the silent treatment. It took me a long time to realise I had no control over this as I would often blame myself if he acted this way.
10. Do you feel pressured by your partner to have sex or do anything sexual you don’t want to do?
I was often pressurised to have sex even when I didn’t want to. I felt pressurised to do sexual things that I felt uncomfortable with. He would say it was my duty as a wife to have sex whenever he wanted it whether I wanted to or not. I learned that when he was in a bad mood and things were going to kick off it was easier to just lie there and let him do what he wanted so that it wouldn’t escalate and me and the kids would be safe. I hated it I felt disgusting, dirty and worthless.
If I didn’t have sex he would be in terrible form. I felt like it was easier to have sex even when I did not want to as I did not want to deal with the environment he would create in our home the days after.
11. Has your partner ever threatened you, made you feel unsafe or hurt you?
He has not threatened to physically hurt me, however, he would be dominating. I didn’t realise this at the time as we started our relationship when I was young. If we had a disagreement or I said something he didn’t like, he would aggressively come towards me and get in my face. This always frightened me, and I would automatically shut down.
I was a week away from giving birth to my son, at the time nine months pregnant, when I picked up my partner from work. He had been drinking. When we got home he was extremely aggressive towards me, it started from him becoming angry saying that his life wasn’t going to end because he was having a child. He trashed the house and was calling me every name under the sun. He punched five holes in the living room door that I was standing beside. It escalated even more and he attempted to steal my car chasing me around while I was so heavily pregnant with his son, it was absolutely terrifying.
I was heartbroken.
Most rows he talked to me through gritted teeth, came right into my face screaming and yelling. Threatening to kick me out onto the street. He did get physical, grabbing me by the throat, pulling my hair, threatening to kill me, waving a weapon in my face and telling me he was going to crack my head open with it. I believed him
12. Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around your partner?
I constantly felt like I was walking on egg shells, I was always monitoring what sort of mood he was in that day. I always felt I had to pacify him. I felt I could not do anything right he would start an argument with me and accuse me of cheating on him and no matter what I said it was never good enough.
I used to literally try to not breathe the wrong way, or speak the wrong way or do the wrong thing. I was feeling on edge all the time, worrying when the next outburst will happen, the next shouting and put downs.
After support from Women’s Aid I now have the feeling of relief as abuse was all I knew for so long. Now, I do not feel ill all the time and I feel safe in my home. and I am taking comfort in that.
If you are experiencing domestic abuse YOU CAN call Women’s Aid ABCLN on 028 25 632136 or email support@womensaidabcln.org In an emergency call 999