What Women Tell Us
By recognising the red flags and warning signs of unhealthy behaviours, you can take steps to protect yourself and stay safe.
Do you ever feel anxious or afraid around your partner?
I feel anxious and afraid around my partner and child at times. Admitting that isn’t easy, but it’s the truth. There are moments when I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, carefully choosing every word and action to avoid triggering an outburst. Their moods can be unpredictable - what starts as a simple comment or innocent question can suddenly turn into anger or cold withdrawal.
I often catch myself second-guessing everything I say or do, trying to stay one step ahead to prevent conflict or criticism. Even their body language - the way they stand, or the look on their face - can make me feel on edge. It’s like I’m constantly scanning for signs of what kind of mood they are in, so I can adjust myself to avoid setting him off.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m overreacting or being too sensitive, especially because I am told I’m imagining things and that everything is fine. But deep down, I know it’s not. Living in a constant state of anxiety is not normal. What’s most distressing is that I often worry about upsetting them without even knowing what I’ve done wrong.
Do you feel you are always the one to blame in your relationship?
When I first approached Women’s Aid, I was worried that I was just wasting their time. I was pretty sure it was not domestic abuse I was experiencing because most of the time I thought the arguments and fights were my fault.
After speaking to the Women’s Aid Domestic Abuse Specialist, I was reassured I was not to blame, and throughout our discussion it started to become clear how my partner was throwing the blame on me.
I agreed to attend Women’s Aid ABCLN’s ‘Journey To Freedom’ course and it was literally a light bulb moment when I realised the cycle of abuse I have been living in for years - thinking the whole time I was the one at fault.
Does your partner check your phone, social media or messages?
, he does check my phone a lot - texts, calls, and even my social media. At first, I didn’t think much of it. He would ask who I was texting or jokingly grab my phone and scroll through stuff. But now it has got to the point where it doesn’t feel like a joke anymore. He asks for my passwords, wants to know exactly who I’m talking to and why, and gets upset if I don’t reply fast enough.
Sometimes he goes through my phone without asking, and if I delete anything, even something small, he accuses me of hiding things. On social media, he watches everything I post or comment on. He’s made me unfollow people, delete posts, or explain why I liked someone’s photo. It feels like I can’t do anything without worrying about how he’ll react. He tells me that if I have nothing to hide, then I shouldn’t mind him checking my phone or him knowing my passwords for things.
I’ve started to change how I act online and, on my phone, just to avoid arguments. I don’t post much anymore, and I am always nervous when I get a message or notification around him. It’s like I don’t have any privacy, and I’m constantly trying to prove I’m not doing anything wrong—even when I know I’m not.
Does your partner check your phone, social media and messages?
I really thought it was normal that my partner would lift my phone and check who I was talking to and what I was looking at on social media. But as time went on, he became more and more obsessed. He made me delete all males off my socials including my brother’s best friend who I had grown up with.
I spoke to my brother’s girlfriend and she told me that my brother did not check her phone and she had loads of male friends on her socials, including my partner. She suggested I should speak to Women’s Aid. I am so glad I did.
Now my ex-partner is out of my life, I am starting to realise how much control he had and how I am now free to live my life.
Does your partner make it difficult for you to see friends and family?
It wasn’t until I did Women’s Aid Journey To Freedom course that I realised isolation is a tactic. I can see it clearly now, but not at the time he moved me away from my family and friends. His family was always a priority, particularly his parents - they were controlling too. I felt like I did not matter, he even isolated me from my own child. I was not allowed to go on certain days out.
It was all about him. It’s the loneliest place in the world and you feel such shame but can’t talk to anyone. He seems like the only person in the world you have because he has isolated you from everyone. Sometimes he feels like a drug, you can’t get away but you feel you can’t live without him either.
Does your partner make it difficult for you to see friends and family?
I used to be afraid to mention my friends or family for fear of aggressive reactions. He hated me seeing them. I isolated myself to keep the peace with him. My mental health suffered and I became more isolated and depressed. I lost my support network.
I am out the other side now and trying to rebuild my life. It is difficult trusting others but I have joined groups and made connections with people who I hope will become friends. I can now see my family on my terms whenever I want to.
Does your partner control your income or finances?
At the time, I didn’t really think much of it. My husband was the main breadwinner, and it just seemed normal that he gave me a small allowance each month to cover the food and household expenses. He explained that it was better for me to stay at home with the children, and I never questioned it. I just assumed this was how things worked when you had someone else bringing in the money.
But over time, I began to feel frustrated. The allowance he gave me was barely enough to cover everything, and I’d find myself struggling to make ends meet. There was always a sense of tension when I went out to buy groceries because he would check my receipts afterward to make sure I had only bought the items he had approved. If I’d bought anything extra, it would be noticed, and I’d feel uneasy about it.
He also seemed to keep track of where I was going. He’d check the mileage on the car to make sure I’d only used it for the food shopping, and if I had driven anywhere else, he’d ask me about it. I didn’t realise how odd this was at the time. I thought it was just part of how things were, he was the one bringing in the money, so it felt like I had to follow his rules. I never really questioned it until later, when I began to feel like I couldn’t do anything without his approval.
Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around your partner?
I constantly felt like I was walking on egg shells, I was always monitoring what sort of mood he was in that day. I always felt I had to pacify him. I felt I could not do anything right he would start an argument with me and accuse me of cheating on him and no matter what I said it was never good enough.
Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around your partner?
I used to literally try to not breathe the wrong way, or speak the wrong way or do the wrong thing. I was feeling on edge all the time, worrying when the next outburst will happen, the next shouting and put downs.
After support from Women’s Aid I now have the feeling of relief as abuse was all I knew for so long. Now, I do not feel ill all the time and I feel safe in my home. and I am taking comfort in that.
If you are experiencing domestic abuse YOU CAN call Women’s Aid ABCLN on 028 25 632136 or email support@womensaidabcln.org In an emergency call 999